Dear readers, so much has occurred in my life since my last personal post.
Well, let’s begin with my love life, since that usually seems to pique the interest of others. I am pleased to admit to you that I am dating a wonderful man who inspires me daily to seek after Christ and my dreams more and more. He is a blessing to me and I am currently in the process of trying to be the best helpmate I can be for him. I’ve learned countless lessons with him in my life. There’s more I’d like to share about this relationship, but I will defer this topic until another time.
Next, you should know that I have a big-girl job! After a nauseatingly laborious summer working at a pizza place, I was offered a part-time teaching position at my Alma Mater, EMCA, which is a small, private Christian school. There, I teach high school grammar and composition. It is the most amazing job for which I could ever have hoped. To say that I am learning a lot as a teacher would be an understatement. In fact, be on the look out for a post coming soon concerning a few lessons my heart has collected as a teacher.
In larger, life-changing news there are only 62 days left until I graduate from AUM with my undergrad degree. (Communication and Dramatic Arts with an Emphasis in Theatre as well as a minor in English.) Words cannot express how wonderfully excited I am to see that in just a little over two months, all of my hard work will have reached a perpetual culmination–and I will be able to say that I did it! I am going to walk across that stage, tears probably ruining my makeup, and smile as big as I possibly can!
I will never devalue my college years. They molded me into a hard-working student and I met some pretty amazing professors who have inspired me to pursue a career in education. I am thankful for all the papers, projects, boring lectures, and soul searching I was able to do while studying at AUM. I am grateful for my precious friends and family who supported me and gave me encouragement when I needed it. I am also incredibly thankful that I will be graduating completely debt free–which is something many of my contemporaries cannot say. I am thankful to God for blessing me beyond what I deserve.
Now, however, I’m at the point where I am trying to figure out how to pay it forward. How can I return to the world these blessings I have gained? What is my next step after this phase in life ends?
Well, I do know that I can begin with my students. Teaching while finishing my degree has its ups and its downs. I look forward to next semester when I can put even more of myself into my job and ministry with my students. I love what I am doing and each day I learn something else about myself as a person and myself as an educator. I do, however, find myself discouraged more often than encouraged because I know the kind of person and teacher I want to be. I often feel like I keep letting myself down. But, I digress–another topic for another time.
Life has also thrown a couple of small curve-balls at me. Last week I was diagnosed with having Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Finding out that I have this condition has given me a lot of relief about things going on in my body–I have a lot of answers now as to my recurring depression and other symptoms I have thought were “normal” for years. I go next week to discuss it more with my doctor and to figure out the steps I need to take in order for me to become healthy mentally and physically.
There is, however, a confession I should make to you all. After all, this wouldn’t be a Just Erica Lynne post if I wasn’t honest about my struggles.
I am struggling very, very much with anxiety. I have always had anxiety and in recent years, with quiet times, prayer, scriptural meditation, and fellowship my anxiety had become submissive to the Holy Spirit’s presence and wisdom. However, since my brief rebellion that I went through last year, I have had a hard time finding the will and the drive to seek God as I used to. I spend time in prayer everyday, though probably not as concentrated as I want to. I also have been trying to incorporate scripture reading back into my life. But, can I just be honest? Sometimes I feel like such a fake. And, because I feel like such a fake sometimes, getting back to the basics of spiritual intimacy with God seems exhausting. My heart is heavy with anxiety and remorse over my sin, and I feel sometimes that it isn’t worth it to let God turn it around. That makes me sad… really, really sad because He is the one who pursued me so deeply and intimately when I was at the peak of my rebellion. He loved me and His grace surrounded me. His spirit echoed into mine that I was His and nothing could snatch me from His hand.
If I feel and know these truths, then why is it so hard to let his presence smooth out my anxiety? Why is it so hard to allow Him to get His hands elbow deep into my stormy heart and work things out? I know that the outcome will be only for my good! I know that it will be only for His glory! I know that, after any suffering due to healing has been completed, there will only be peace!
So why… why dear readers am I so reluctant to let Christ invade every stinking bit of me?
Maybe because I know that if I do, it will cost me my control.
And, imagine, dear readers. If I would just relinquish my control, my anxiety would follow suit. But, because I cling so tightly to my control, my anxiety, in actuality, gives NO ONE control except my fearful, sick humanity. If, however, I would allow Christ the control, I would have a more trusting and peaceful outlook on life. It is when I am so busy anxiously scrapping for control that I lose it. On the other hand, it is when I so humbly place it at the feet of Christ when I realize that having the control was never meant for me anyway.
I long for my heart to be in unison with Christ’s again. With your prayers, I know it will get there.
Just Erica Lynne